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My Two Moans – Rule #1 – Cardio

This is a new segment I like to call “My Two Moans.” It’s basically me ranting about zombies and zombie┬árelated things. You may be asking yourself, “Why do i care about what you say?” Well, the Zombiephiles said they want me, so…who’s better at speaking for me than me? Anyhow, here are my two moans:

My first rant is about Zombieland’s RULE #1 – CARDIO.

You zombiephiles may be telling yourself… “I’ve heard this rant before.” Well, what I want to talk about is my beef with this rule. Being a big zombiephile, I take offense to this rule. Not just cause I’m a fatty… but because it stereotypes big people incorrectly. Just cause someone is big doesn’t mean they are not agile or fast. When you’re at a party, who is the first guy to start doing backflips and splits? The fat guy. Who do they choose to be linemen in football team just so they can break through the offensive line and get to the quarterback as fast as possible? The fat guy.

Also, fat guys CAN jumpkick. Although sometimes this leads to them tearing a hole in the crotch of their pants.

Also, fat guys CAN jumpkick. Although sometimes this leads to them tearing a hole in the crotch of their pants.

Here’s a scenario: you’re a fat guy sitting at work behind your computer. Zombies attack. Everyone starts running around in a panic. You break through the skinny masses, grab the hottest chick you see and throw her over your shoulders – something not many little skinny guys can do. The door is jammed… OH NO! You crash through it like a rhino. Now who do you think has scored more points with the ladies – the skinny dude who tripped over his shoe string and was eaten up by zombies in a matter of seconds, getting his guts ripped out and slurped up like spaghetti noodles – or the big zombiephile hero?┬áCase in point.

I just want to add… I don’t hate skinny people. All I’m saying is “give big peeps a chance.”

"My Two Moans" is a new (hopefully regular!) Zombiephiles column by plus-size (and proud!) Zombiephile CHRISTIANNOTSLATER. Got a rant to share? Moan back at the Zombiephiles!


  1. Fitznorway

    Having been both a plus-sized gentlemen and a trim, fit athlete, you’re missing the point.

    Cardio pertains to the heart and oxygen movement in your body – the ability to run distance, the measure of your endurance. Sure, you can lean against a door when you’re a fatty, or push an unprepared, skinnier person over when they aren’t expecting it – but you can’t actually run, not for real. Hippos can sprint at great speed over short spans…but the tax of toting all that bulk around overwhelms their ability to supply oxygen to those tubby-sheathed muscles. This pertains to people, too. Getting away from the initial point of z-impact might require a good hustle, but the rest is a marathon.

    Toting ladies around is a question of frame – short, unshouldered types couldnt do this if they were 150lbs or 300lbs – I can tote ladies around whether I am skinny or fat because of how I am built, it’s a separate argument.

    What I am trying to say is, if you’re interested in surviving the zombie apocalypse, get to the gym – which has the added bonus of no longer requiring the theft of attractive ladies in panic situations.

  2. OK, I’m going to weigh in on this one. I’m still a skinny zombiephile (although my spare tire grows daily) – but as a smoker, I have absolutely terrible cardio – putting me in the worst possible position of being skinny and shoulderless (and therefore ill-suited for flinging women over my shoulder) AND unable to run farther than a quarter mile without throwing up.

    I think the REAL transgressor here is Zombieland! After all, the narrator DID imply a direct connection between so-called “fatties” and a lack of cardio in the very beginning of the movie, when in fact, as we’ve seen, plus-size gentlemen (and ladies) can be perfectly capable of running farther and faster than skinny ones.

    Just adding my two moans to the mix.

  3. Bottom line is, after a zombie outbreak, your cardio is going to improve or you are going to be dead/undead.

  4. Everyone needs to twitter @threadless to them to reprint this t-shirt in FATTY size for us Zombiephiles. Do it now!

  5. Alhazred

    ahahaha. totally in agreement with fitznorway on this one.

    ps: if you think being… large… really contributes to your female toting abilities you’re sadly mistaken. :/ there’s a reason why “the fat guy” never makes for a successful offensive lineman as you wrongly pointed out. the aren’t fit. and being fit doesn’t just pertain to cardiovascular supremacy. being physically fit refers to your ability to use your body to successfully overcome the obstacles you encounter. part of that is cardio, sure. but that doesn’t make for the whole shebang. strength is also a huge contributer, and the amount of strength you possess is typically determined by the amount of muscle fiber you can recruit… which is in turn determined by how often you happen to attempt recruiting that muscle fiber. and both strength AND endurance really mean nothing unless you are practiced in using them efficiently on a regular basis. zombieland’s rule #1 doesn’t spell out the whole message. what the author was really trying to communicate was that you need to be a capable specimen… so get off your ass fatty. it’ll do you some good. the only real advantage to being covered in blubber is that you might be able to hack off parts of your body that get bitten without chopping up anything too vital. and since you’re going to be such a large and juicy target, you should probably get prepared to do just that.

    my sources? oh. i happen to be a reasonably logical human being. also, i happen to be an all american defensive end this year. and my dad has trained professional athletes for about 15 years now.

    and as far as females go… really. listen to fitznorway. there’s no reason to throw a squirming female over your shoulder unless you absolutely have to. don’t get me wrong. i’m not recommending you try and survive the zombie apocalypse without a bit of hot ass for entertainment. i’m just thinking that things might go a bit smoother if she happens to come willingly. and trust me… when you look like *this* you don’ have any problems in that department. ;)

Zombies moan. Zombiephiles moan back.

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