That's assuming you don't want to die horribly like this guy did.
Zombies can’t climb. You can. In light of this, why would you ever choose to go down, rather than up? Stay out of basements, gullies, sewers, and anyplace else that zombies might unwittingly wander / fall into and be unable to get out of. Remember, it’s unlikely that a human would be in a sewer, but zombies don’t care a whit about the smell.
I've got nothin', mate.
Zombies that still retain their ears have been statistically shown to have above-average recognition of bassline frequencies. If you absolutely must blast music while killing zombies, do it on your Ipod, and you might want to consider delaying that block party until after the zombie outbreak blows over. During a zombie outbreak, remember to turn your cell phone to vibrate – it’s only polite.
I simply don't understand how no one else saw this coming.
You’d think this one didn’t require stating, but apparently it does. Windows are an aesthetic defense against the environment, not protection against zombies and the living dead. Once you find your fortress, barricade the windows as quickly as possible and stay the hell away from them. Whatever you do, don’t deliver speeches with your back to them.
Note to self - next time, don't ride in the back of the van with this guy.
Sure, chainsaw slits in your van seemed like a good idea at the time, before you filled your car with fumes and exhaust, passed out at the wheel and got yourself sawed in half.
Well, ok, not sawed completley in half. But sawed mostly in half.
The temptation to get very creative with zombie dispatching can seem almost unbearable at times, but when it comes to killing zombies, that old adage applies: Keep it simple, stupid!
......Prick.
Textual analysis of zombie movies has proven that “that one asshole,” a character ubiquitous in zombie and survival horror movies, only stands a 4.32% chance of surviving until the end of the movie.
Later studies have challenged that figure, citing several movies in which “that one asshole” was one-upped by “the other, bigger asshole,” who then assumed “that one asshole“ status.
Total a-hole, right there.
What do these figures mean? Being nice matters. To dramatically increase your chances of survival, make sure you always have “that one asshole” traveling in your party with you, otherwise you might end up playing the role of “that weak douchebag,” a similarly ill-fated character.
Despite the resemblance, this isn't Mel Gibson, although he's an a-hole too.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you believe you are already “that one asshole,” you should immediately leave your group. You might be able to pass as “that Kevin Costner anti-hero” if you’re traveling solo.
[...] ZombiePhiles.com had a great article on what you SHOULDNT do during the Zombie outbreak. A wave of Zombie survival manuals have popped up recently, this blog included, telling people what they should do during an outbreak of zombies. Thing is, nobody’s talking about what people shouldn’t do during a zombie outbreak. [...]
[...] Durant une invasion de zombies. [...]
Really, I think that these are worth mentioning.
-Turning back to save the dumbass who wouldn’t listen to your zombie advice the first time. You both get chomped on.
-Undead is never dead. Forgetting that zombie extremeties may still be “alive” enought to bite, claw, or otherwise infect–See Evil Dead and Dead Next Door.
-Pet zombies don’t know that they are pets, and therefore, do not behave as such. See Stink of Flesh, 28 Days later, Dead Next Door… can’t wait to see Fido.
-Your friends, when zombified, are no longer friendly. Shoot them. See My Dead Girlfriend.
I shall remember that!
Funny stuff. Great post!
It’s not funny. It’s real. You’ll see.
Haha, Zombie Lyrics:
http://zonow.com/4
[...] Zombie Defense – Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak | The Zombie-Philes (tags: funny humor movies horror fun list) [...]
ROFL! Awesome article. Very, very amusing. And true, too. ;)
[...] Story [...]
[...] Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak – The Zombie-Philes A wave of Zombie survival manuals have popped up recently, this blog included, telling people what they should do during an outbreak of zombies. Thing is, nobody’s talking about what people shouldn’t do during a zombie outbreak. [...]
hahahah… is there such a thing like zombies? great!! heheh giverish focking things to think that there will be a zombie knockin at mah door
[...] 10 things you shouldn’t do in a zombie attack. [...]
[...] Top 10 [...]
[...] Zombie Defense – Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak | The Zombie-Philes (tags: ZombieAttack) [...]
[...] Link – Thanks Dumidu! [...]
[...] The Zombie-Philes » Blog Archive » Zombies – Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak 10) Don’t set zombies on fire. Burning zombies smell terrible. Hihihi… (tags: horror fun Zombie horrorfilm film) [...]
11. Don’t go to the Winchester (or similar beer garden, pub, bar, etc.)
Number One works with not just zombies but with every sort of situation. Dont be that arsehole !!!
[...] Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak (tags: zombies humor funny list) [...]
[...] Zombie News: Worst things to do during an outbreak [...]
[...] The 10 worst things to do during a zombie outbreak [...]
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[...] Ten Worst Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak – Don?t get sentimental. Zombies won?t. [...]
Hello! Good Site! Thanks you! xzulvaybdgwlmv
[...] Zombiephile dopo un’attenta visione di tutti i film horror-zombie ha trovato le le 10 cose da non fare [...]
Why not go see a show during the attack. Zombie Joes Underground Theatre is at ZombieJoes.com
Also, #10 Do not set zombies on fire – This is not only a good idea because they reek but also because they tend to wobble a little more than usual and bump into things. Well anything they bump into will then catch fire too. So now you not only need to worry about the structure you are encapsulated in, you also need to avoid a moving burning object coming at you who could care less that the whole shit house is about to come down on both of you… and whomever else is trapped.
[...] Oh and if we ever have a Zombie outbreak I highly encourage you to read this list of 10 things NOT to do in a Zombie attack. [...]
wow thanks for the tip, its really funny to read during office hours, and I’m thinking of what to do when a zombie outbreak happens here in the office im working at.
I´ve translated your wonderful text to portuguese(now your famous here too, lol) (…)Texto adaptado do site Zombiephiles, leia o original aqui(apesar do meu ser melhor e em português).
10 – JAMAIS toque fogo em um zumbi. Zumbis Flambados fedem, e muito.
A Gente sempre vê os idiotas fazerem isso em filmes e se darem muito mal, primeiro porque os zumbis flamejantes podem tocar fogo em outros zumbis, e segundo porque eles podem tocar fogo(…)
Marcelo, you are a true Zombiephile! Now the great nation of Portugal is one step closer to zombie-readiness!
its going to happen soon lock and barracade your self in the bathroom with food water and guns!!!!!!!!!!!
[...] read more | digg story [...]
[...] is important that you understand what to do and what Not to do during a Zombie outbreak. Here is what NOT to do… I guess you could tie them up with the ultimate knot. Here is the video on how to do [...]
hey hey guys here are my responses……
1. why the fuck would you not set zombies on fire?!?!?!?!that is dumb who cares if they smell bad at least you are saving your ass right?????
2. i agree dont get sentimental at least not to the point where you are fucking crying your eyes out you need to go and kick some zombie ass!!!!!!
3. most defintely close the door behind you that is like fucking common sense there.
4. defintely do not keep zombies in your basement guys thats just plan dumb…”no i cant kill my brother hes only been bitten” WHAT THE FUCK!!!! put a god damn bullet in the things head its no longer your brother ok!
5. what kind of shit is that you need as many members as possible if you want to live!!!!!! i mean i have this amamzing girlfriend and i said if zombies attack you are the first person im coming for not FUCK YOU!!! you save yourself this girl means more than the world to me so do not listen to that one.
6. dont listen to this one either broadcast….. like i said you want as many members as possible so broadcast and you get some help..
7. i agree with this dont stand in front of the window if you do what the fuck is wrong with you??????? thats practically wearing a sign that says come and eat me!!!!
8. dont listen to this one either get as fuckiong creative as you want if you plan on staying some where for a bit get as fucking creative as you possibly can because you shouldnt be wasting your ammo all the fucking time so get creative guys.
9.i agree dont be the ass whole in the group thats just plan dumb because if i had an ass in my group i would either shoot them or feed them to zombies and then shoot him.
#1) stop getting so worked up Zombie Slayer, and using that many f-bombs just proves what a small vocabulary you’ve got.
#2)Want zombie survival tips? read the Zombie Survival Guide (by Max Brooks)
[...] There have been many articles, videos, and postings on how to survive a zombie outbreak, the best of course being Max Brooks book. However I haven’t seen any what not to do, until now. I’m reposting the funny, informative, and helpful article from the zombiephiles. [...]
At least I can go to the burger place and get me a Quarter Pounder it’s not on the list. Ha Ha ! No bad zombie you have to wait until I finish my fries..!!
It is enough to make it funny’
Me crack itches somethin’ fierce… I think a Zombie licked it!
I hope this never happens, but i’m sue it will.I am ready for an outbreak.
Also, Rigging your fortress with mines or remote explosives may cause more harm then they do good. Not only can shrapnel rip through your defenses, it cant exactly distinguish between a zombie and your forehead. Plus in most zombie movies I’ve seen an explosion, regardless of the type, seems to light zombies on fire. Which is aforementioned very, very bad thing
I thinks the No.1 rule is NEVER EVER drop your flashlight, it’s always a bad thing, duct tape it to a gun or somthing, and always keep batteries handy.
Great list :D
I would add to the fire zombie area a little… the only thing worse than a zombie trying to eat your brains is a zombie on fire trying to eat your brain.
bahahahahha i loveeed this (:
dancing ?
i watch zombie fillmmmmmms all the time good advice dont lite a zombie on fire. i like all your advise ZOMBIES rule theyle come 1 day!!!!!
ZOMBIE FOOTAGE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHIfDFiIuUg
Lulz. The advice, esp. the last one really takes the cake.
[...] Click on through to head to the ZombiePhiles site for the full article, and a few good laughs. [...]
[...] ever cover natural disasters as well as nuclear disasters – Akin gives us some great advice on NOT burning zombies (link from David), plus the LiveJournal zombie community and a puppet show for kids! – ADR writes [...]
if you guys plan on staying in a building dont if you want to stay alive for years after z-day stay on the road with a fleet of trucks
shawn of the dead is pretty much the not to do zombie manual but its so funny
I’m excited for Z Day just so I can actually be something important in todays society.
[...] This Article One more survival guide from our friends at Zombiephiles. This is a guide to then ten worst things to do when facing down the Zombie Apocalypse. Since we started this story we’ve tried to give you a pretty clear view of some of the major [...]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJxFuRz0N_o
I will commit these to memory.
Kill them with big pinty sticks
For the love of god, don’t use a goddam hummer or cadillac as transport, because you wont even make it out of the city if you do.
@zombie slayer
Judging by your attitude and intelligence, you would be one of the first to either be bitten, or killed because your just really fucking annoying.
what the hell is this shit i love number 7 but if i was in that situation i would bang the girl befor i die hahaha
my bf got bit once and i had 2 shoot him.
@zombie slayer
That`s retard…i bet you will die in the first encounter with a zombie.
Funny article. Very true about setting zombies on fire. NOt to mention a burning zombie will just walk around catching other things on fire and then you have to fight the zombies and fire! That sucks!
zombiescantlove.blogspot.com
@Your mom & Zombie slayer = “that one asshole”
How about “don’t turn the lights on?” And, “don’t scream.”
Assuming we still have electricity.
Haven’t you ever wondered if all those zombies would have gone to the farm house in Night of the Living Dead, if they weren’t screaming with every damn light on?
I’ve never seen a zombie go anywhere near a quiet, dark house…
Zombie/Jesus Venn Diagram on Twitpic http://bit.ly/505uCj