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Vampires Vs. Zombies – Quite Easily The Worst Movie I’ve Ever Seen.

If you find yourself trapped in a hellish, Kafkaesque nightmare world equipped with nothing but booze, drugs and Englebert Humperdink albums, you’re still a damn sight better off than this Zombiephile was after watching Vampires Vs. Zombies.

See, Vampires Vs. Zombies is a perfect example of how a movie can exist based solely upon its name. Definitively the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life, I have to confess that I couldn’t get through more than half of it – but based on the dearth of reviews out there on this one, I have a feeling I made it a lot farther than most viewers.

Allow me to elaborate. Although the movie is called Vampires Vs. Zombies, it could probably be just as accurately named “Big Titted Chick with Too Much Makeup Vs. Some Random Dude in a Ski-Mask. That’s right. The “Zombie” is a guy in a ski mask. Well, a few guys with ski masks, as you will discover if you can survive the painful first few minutes of the film.

See, when I think Vampires Vs. Zombies, I get all wrapped up in the theory of such a standoff. Can Vampires drink zombie blood? Will it make them into Zombiefied Vampires? Can Vampires even become Zombies, considering that they’re already dead? Are Zombies attracted to Vampire flesh? Does it sustain them?

These questions, and more, will not be answered in Vampires Vs. Zombies. The truth is, I can’t imagine what the end of this movie was like, given how atrocious the first half-hour was.

LISTEN: I know some of you are actually attracted to bad movies. I am too. But Vampires Vs. Zombies is not that kind of bad movie. It’s not a bad movie the way that Deep Blue Sea was a bad movie. It’s a bad movie the way that crappy homemade porn movies are bad movies. It literally looks like it was made by a high-school AV club – and I think it just might have been.

Look, this movie is so bad I couldn’t even find any screenshots to put in this article, and I’m unwilling to watch the movie again to capture my own. It’s that bad.

Verdict: -3 Moans. That’s right. I had to go into negative moans in order to accurately rank this movie. If you value anything sacred, if you believe that your time is actually worth something to you, if you have ever wanted to do anything meaningful in your life, steer clear of Vampires Vs. Zombies. Seriously, this isn’t reverse-psychology – this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen some bad ones.

Moans.

  1. Frank the Girl

    ive already had this fight many a time. vampires would win because neither of them have bloodstreams to spread the infection and vampires are more coordinated with a working brain. Also a zombie does not have the intelligence to kill a vampire, not even the zombies from dawn of the dead (i think thats the movie) who learn how to do things.

  2. Ah ha, but don’t Vampires require fresh blood to survive? Even if the vampires killed every last zombie, eventually there’d be nothing but Vampires left, and that would just be mutually assured destruction…

    I think what Vampires would actually want to do is get into spaceships and colonize other planets in the hopes of finding fresh blood…now that would be a pretty sweet movie.

  3. This is my first visit to this website, and I have to say that you have my attention.

    I watched this movie through and through… Yeah, you didn’t miss much other than your time and massive amounts of brain damage. Two vampire lesbians survive to the end were magically the room is full of zombies. Needless to say they die, then thats it.

    I think I have some extreme brain trauma from that movie, and it’s been almost a year since I saw it.

    NOTICE: If your sense of self-esteem is low as-is, you might kill yourself after watching this movie.

  4. Brian White

    HAHAHA….. zombies would win they are bigger in number and u dont see many movies about vampires completely filling up the whole world do u? vampires just sparkle and fall in love with ugly chicks and theyre gay think about it they suck on dudes’ necks too

  5. Chuck

    Zombies would win… Zombies just have to break into wherever the vamps are sleeping during the day.. Also a zombies power is in hordes.. and even 100 vampires cant stop a million zombies..

  6. If i can choose between a zombie attack and a Vampire attack, what would I choose???
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    A Vampire attack, and u?

  7. SeaPrincess

    It depends on the kind of zombie….a magical zombie with a brain that thinks on some level…or the shambling, stupid zombie that’s the result of a “virus”?
    I suppose anything can happen if the zombie can think….but for stupid zombies…I think a vampire would smell dead to them…also, there’s no heartbeat to detect….or whatever it is that makes a zombie know the difference between dead and alive. So, I think a stupid zombie would walk right past a vampire…..I’m talking zombies so stupid they don’t notice someone hacking off their limbs or killing others in their horde…..so in that way, a few vampires could take on a whole horde of zombies.
    Stupid zombies also wouldn’t think to go after a vampire nest and kill them….
    BUT….thinking zombies….usually the supernatural kind, that could go either way. It would all depend on what strengths the sorcerer, or whatever magical force, gave them.
    A zombie that can think pretty well sure could go after sleeping vamps during the day. Of even do that if told to by the sorcerer that created it.
    It also seems there’s different rules for different vampires….a vampire that can fly or shape shift would most likely have a better chance of getting away if he or she couldn’t take on a horde.
    There’s just not one set answer for all the kinds of zombies there are.
    I think the biggest thing vampires would have to worry about during a zompocalypse is the end of their food supply. They’d want to help the humans even though most of them would do it strictly for their own survival.

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