If you find yourself trapped in a hellish, Kafkaesque nightmare world equipped with nothing but booze, drugs and Englebert Humperdink albums, you’re still a damn sight better off than this Zombiephile was after watching Vampires Vs. Zombies.
See, Vampires Vs. Zombies is a perfect example of how a movie can exist based solely upon its name. Definitively the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life, I have to confess that I couldn’t get through more than half of it – but based on the dearth of reviews out there on this one, I have a feeling I made it a lot farther than most viewers.
Allow me to elaborate. Although the movie is called Vampires Vs. Zombies, it could probably be just as accurately named “Big Titted Chick with Too Much Makeup Vs. Some Random Dude in a Ski-Mask. That’s right. The “Zombie” is a guy in a ski mask. Well, a few guys with ski masks, as you will discover if you can survive the painful first few minutes of the film.
See, when I think Vampires Vs. Zombies, I get all wrapped up in the theory of such a standoff. Can Vampires drink zombie blood? Will it make them into Zombiefied Vampires? Can Vampires even become Zombies, considering that they’re already dead? Are Zombies attracted to Vampire flesh? Does it sustain them?
These questions, and more, will not be answered in Vampires Vs. Zombies. The truth is, I can’t imagine what the end of this movie was like, given how atrocious the first half-hour was.
LISTEN: I know some of you are actually attracted to bad movies. I am too. But Vampires Vs. Zombies is not that kind of bad movie. It’s not a bad movie the way that Deep Blue Sea was a bad movie. It’s a bad movie the way that crappy homemade porn movies are bad movies. It literally looks like it was made by a high-school AV club – and I think it just might have been.
Look, this movie is so bad I couldn’t even find any screenshots to put in this article, and I’m unwilling to watch the movie again to capture my own. It’s that bad.
Verdict: -3 Moans. That’s right. I had to go into negative moans in order to accurately rank this movie. If you value anything sacred, if you believe that your time is actually worth something to you, if you have ever wanted to do anything meaningful in your life, steer clear of Vampires Vs. Zombies. Seriously, this isn’t reverse-psychology – this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen some bad ones.