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My Two Moans – If I Were a Zombie

I was playing Stubbs The Zombie: Rebel Without a Pulse today and it got me thinking: if I were a zombie, what kind of zombie would I be?

I’d still be a big guy of course. Would that affect my ability to be a zombie? Since I’m not going to make it through the zombie apocalypse because of my bad cardio (according to some), I probably won’t make it as a zombie for the same reason. But if I were to get my hands on a non-infected, would I be as picky of an eater as I am now? Since i hate onions and spicy foods – does that rule out Mexicans and Indians? I do love Italian food but since I live in Texas, I think were a little short on Italians. At least, I’ve never met a real Italian around here.

Despite the chains and tank-tops, these are not real Italians.

Despite the chains and tank-tops, these are not real Italians.

Let’s look at the pros and cons of being a zombie. I’ll start with the cons.


  1. You’re undead.
  2. You’re stinky.
  3. You eat people.
  4. You’re in constant danger of being shot in the face by the un-infected.
  5. Your body is constantly decaying.
  6. Your only means of communication is moaning. one moan for yes, two moans for no?
  7. No sleep. (Editor’s Note: TILL BROOKLYN!)
  8. Eventually food will become hard to find.
  9. Nobody will want to invite you to hang out, as it’s socially unacceptable to eat your friends.


  1. You don’t have to pay bills.
  2. Great community. Notice how you always see big groups of zombies hanging out together.
  3. No more physical or emotional pain.
  4. You may turn into a special infected. In my case, I’d probably be a Boomer from Left 4 Dead.
  5. You get to crash through peoples windows unannounced and it would be considered totally normal for you to do so.
  6. You get to kill that one a-hole survivor (i.e., David from Shaun of the Dead)

That’s all i can think of now – Moan back and tell me some other pros and cons of being a zombie!


  1. Josella

    Would Italian zombies change sides half way through the action? Mamma Mia ran awayah it is ah zee zombie-ah-slayer (or however that translates in moans).

Zombies moan. Zombiephiles moan back.

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