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Zombies Ruined My Life

zombie_survivalistI’m Chester, and Zombies Ruined My Life.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: Zombies aren’t cool! They’re not!

Seriously, they’re not. Zombies are awful! The zombie is a terrifying perversion of humanity! And Zombies ruined my life.

That’s right. I used to have a good job, working at the mattress factory, a woman, a dog, a nice grill and an above-ground pool and now I got nothing! All because of zombies. The worst part is that zombies aren’t covered by insurance in the United States. That’s right. So if a zombie steps in and ruins your life like it did mine, you’ve got no recourse.


You see, it happened like this. I was on my way home from the bar after work. I’ll admit I’d had a few beers, but then again, whenever you see me I’ve usually had a few beers, so I don’t think that’s entirely relevant to this here discussion. Point is, I may, or may not, have been totally loaded. Either way, what I wasn’t doing was swerving all over the road.

Now this part is important – I didn’t know that thing was a zombie until after I’d run over it. So it wasn’t intentional – at least the first time I hit it.

I had zombies on my mind – I usually did. I mean, I worked at the mattress factory.

Alright, point is I ran over the thing. It was dark and there weren’t any streetlights. I was driving with my lights off so as not to scare the deer – I read someplace that they get scared in the headlights so I usually turn them off when I think they might be around.

I’ll admit I was startled when I heard the BUMP-BUMP of my pickup truck slamming over something in the road. But I was even more surprised when I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that something – getting to its feet!

I saw the zombie lurch. I saw the twistled, mangled zombie shape. I knew what it was – a zombie. I’ve always known that when the zombie outbreak happens, I won’t be one of those people who doesn’t realize what’s going on. I knew that thing was a zombie the second I saw it. I mean, who gets up from having been run over by a pickup truck besides a zombie?

So I backed over that zombie again. And maybe a couple of other times. Point is, after a few times the zombie stopped getting up. Now, momma didn’t raise no fool. I didn’t get out the truck – just drove straight home and boarded up my windows. That was when I knew – the zombie outbreak has already started – we just hadn’t heard about it yet. A voice in my head said, “Chester MacArthur, you’re a mad man. The police are going to be here any minute.” I turned on the TV but I didn’t see anything about it, or about zombies in general.

You know the American media is a very nefarious power – filling our minds with all sorts of liberal-minded crap about gun control and all that blady-blah, but one thing they do know how to do is bury a story. And I’ll tell you what – they buried that story about that zombie I ran over. You get a hit-and-run out here, it hits the papers, there’s a big ruckus and public outcry about it.

But then one day a couple guys in dark suits came to my house and told me that there wouldn’t be any charges – that was when I really started putting it all together. It was more than an outbreak – some kinda governmental conspiracy, like. Like they’re out there, experimenting with folks, making ’em into zombies and maybe this one zombie got out. Thinking of that I thought, Damn, they ought too have given me a medal for running that zombie over.

I went to the media but they did nothing but mock me and call me a drunk and a maniac. It got back to the foreman at the mattress factory of course, Heron’s a small place, and next thing I knew I was out on my own. It sucked! Had to sell the trailer and move in with Uncle Ned and Grandma in their doublewide. But the point is, I’m not crazy! Zombies are real! They’re out there – probably the government made ’em, or we got ’em from Al Qaeda or something like that. I don’t know which, but I know the government doesn’t want you to know about it!

Well, I do – and that’s why I’m going to teach you everything I’ve taught myself about Zombie preparation and Zombie survival over the last couple of years. These days I’m no longer Chester MacArthur, mattress factory quality control specialist. I am Chester MacArthur, the Undead Survivalist, and I’m going to teach you how to survive the coming zombie apocalypse.

Moans.

  1. Jack Clancy

    hey man
    sorry to tell u this but u r a dumb ass,now why in the world will there be a zombie,dude watching zombie movies messed up ur mind,and word of advice:dont drive while u r drunk,cause u might hit something else other than zombies

  2. Billybob Thorton

    What the hell, Jack Clancy? That was funny… why insult it?

    If you thought that was serious (or any of this is), YOU are the dumbass. Loosen up and maybe watch a nice zombie flick or two.

    And get a life.

  3. Jack Clancy

    hey billy,i dont think zombies r real
    and FYI i watched (almost) every zombie movie have been made till now
    i was just making my point

  4. Hey, both you guys need to stop fighting about this guy, hey, zombies could be real man, and i for one beleive in them, but if im drunk driving and hit something, i’m not goona thing it’s a fucking zombie, unless, like i saw it and it damnwell was a zombie, like man, the government is screwed, they have like area 51 were they store the aliens, and possibly even the zombies, like i believe in the supernatural, and man, zombie movies don’t screw up your mind, as Jack Clancy might think, but they make you more open to what this world is really about, and people, theese zombie survivale tips will help you out some day, because when the zombie outbreak comes, which it will, you’ll never know whe though, like one time i was in this retaraunt, and i thought i saw a zombie, so i grabbed my fork just incase he decided to come over here, and man, where i live i see ALOT of zombie-ish looking people, and it’s scary man, so don’t be calling people dumbass’s if they believe it, and don’t call them dumbass’s if they don’t like, it’s there own opinion, now, i know you’re probably reading this and are like WOAH this chick is one messed up person, am i right? well, yeah i may be messed up, but doesn’t that make life way more fun, so yeah that’s bassicly it.
    (zombies are real people, be aware)

  5. In defense of Chester – He’s a fictional character who works in a mattress factory…let’s just try to keep a little perspective.

    And for the record, drunk driving is always bad – even during a zombie outbreak.

  6. yeah, i think we all got the fact that chester isn’t real….

  7. Sidron Mk-II

    HA HA HA…..

    Where is my chain saw? It’s time to kill some zombies.

  8. Jack Clancy

    Emily Scott
    i can say only one thing:
    u got me there………

  9. lol nice story , i dont blame you

    i was watching that alien abduction at lake county movie and it got to me my lights shut off at 4 am , SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME and zombies are cool , scary but cool

  10. DAVID

    i heard tht zombies where made in Nazi experaments o.O

    i know they dont exist but i heard once tht they where real and based on nazi experaments

  11. adrian

    well u guys all have ur points i for one would kill a zombie on the spot if i saw it… hell i would torture the little undead guys break out but i understand where u all are coming from… haha nazis?

  12. zombieslayer

    ok why blame the nazis maybe there was another reason for the holocaust maybe the jews are zombies in disguise or something… and if I ran over a freakin zombie i’d probably kill it chop of its head and then go to the media.

  13. Mercutio

    You guys are all nuts. Zombies ARE real and zombies ARE coming. You have to realize that its all coming to an end in 2012, Its written the the Bible itself that the dead will walk the earth. (1st Corithans somewhere) and at that point all you mockers and naysayers will be zombie ‘nom’. Give it a little preparation, even a little bit could go a long way. Zombies haven’t happened yet…Thats why there is a good chance that they will.

    A cohesive imagination of zombies by millions of people isn’t mere coincidence.

  14. Franki Spradlin

    I’ve heard about that to! I graduate that year!!! :(

  15. […] you all remember how my life was ruined by zombies – well, Josella’s the first good thing that’s happened to me since that fateful […]

  16. The Dude

    You guys I reaaaally don’t know what to think now! I kinda think that some people out there might actually REALLY believe in zombies. Even on this site?
    Yeah well!
    Pretty nice view on “hillbilly”-matrace salesman who watched too many Z-Movies :)

  17. I actually LOL’d. Very funny man. I mean that type of thing has happened to all of us! My brother is actually in prison for running over a zombie! The police claim he was a prominent state senator! This conspiracy goes deeper than any of us realize.

Zombies moan. Zombiephiles moan back.

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