I’m Chester, and Zombies Ruined My Life.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: Zombies aren’t cool! They’re not!
Seriously, they’re not. Zombies are awful! The zombie is a terrifying perversion of humanity! And Zombies ruined my life.
That’s right. I used to have a good job, working at the mattress factory, a woman, a dog, a nice grill and an above-ground pool and now I got nothing! All because of zombies. The worst part is that zombies aren’t covered by insurance in the United States. That’s right. So if a zombie steps in and ruins your life like it did mine, you’ve got no recourse.
You see, it happened like this. I was on my way home from the bar after work. I’ll admit I’d had a few beers, but then again, whenever you see me I’ve usually had a few beers, so I don’t think that’s entirely relevant to this here discussion. Point is, I may, or may not, have been totally loaded. Either way, what I wasn’t doing was swerving all over the road.
Now this part is important – I didn’t know that thing was a zombie until after I’d run over it. So it wasn’t intentional – at least the first time I hit it.
I had zombies on my mind – I usually did. I mean, I worked at the mattress factory.
Alright, point is I ran over the thing. It was dark and there weren’t any streetlights. I was driving with my lights off so as not to scare the deer – I read someplace that they get scared in the headlights so I usually turn them off when I think they might be around.
I’ll admit I was startled when I heard the BUMP-BUMP of my pickup truck slamming over something in the road. But I was even more surprised when I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that something – getting to its feet!
I saw the zombie lurch. I saw the twistled, mangled zombie shape. I knew what it was – a zombie. I’ve always known that when the zombie outbreak happens, I won’t be one of those people who doesn’t realize what’s going on. I knew that thing was a zombie the second I saw it. I mean, who gets up from having been run over by a pickup truck besides a zombie?
So I backed over that zombie again. And maybe a couple of other times. Point is, after a few times the zombie stopped getting up. Now, momma didn’t raise no fool. I didn’t get out the truck – just drove straight home and boarded up my windows. That was when I knew – the zombie outbreak has already started – we just hadn’t heard about it yet. A voice in my head said, “Chester MacArthur, you’re a mad man. The police are going to be here any minute.” I turned on the TV but I didn’t see anything about it, or about zombies in general.
You know the American media is a very nefarious power – filling our minds with all sorts of liberal-minded crap about gun control and all that blady-blah, but one thing they do know how to do is bury a story. And I’ll tell you what – they buried that story about that zombie I ran over. You get a hit-and-run out here, it hits the papers, there’s a big ruckus and public outcry about it.
But then one day a couple guys in dark suits came to my house and told me that there wouldn’t be any charges – that was when I really started putting it all together. It was more than an outbreak – some kinda governmental conspiracy, like. Like they’re out there, experimenting with folks, making ’em into zombies and maybe this one zombie got out. Thinking of that I thought, Damn, they ought too have given me a medal for running that zombie over.
I went to the media but they did nothing but mock me and call me a drunk and a maniac. It got back to the foreman at the mattress factory of course, Heron’s a small place, and next thing I knew I was out on my own. It sucked! Had to sell the trailer and move in with Uncle Ned and Grandma in their doublewide. But the point is, I’m not crazy! Zombies are real! They’re out there – probably the government made ’em, or we got ’em from Al Qaeda or something like that. I don’t know which, but I know the government doesn’t want you to know about it!
Well, I do – and that’s why I’m going to teach you everything I’ve taught myself about Zombie preparation and Zombie survival over the last couple of years. These days I’m no longer Chester MacArthur, mattress factory quality control specialist. I am Chester MacArthur, the Undead Survivalist, and I’m going to teach you how to survive the coming zombie apocalypse.