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Zombies – Five MUST-HAVE Zombie Survival Items You’ll Probably Never Think Of

2.
Porn.

horror movie - zombie survival - 2Whatever your flavor, make sure you make time to grab some good, old-fashioned porn before you hit those zombie-infested streets. Long-term exposure to zombies of the opposite sex has been shown to dramatically lower your standards in choosing a mate. Unless you want to end up like our Zombiephilic editor, make sure you keep a well-stocked porn collection when going mobile during a Class 4 zombie outbreak. Believe me, if you think your significant other has a long list of excuses not to have sex with you now, wait until the zombies come.

1.
Walkman w/ Zombie Slayin’ Mix Tape & Extra Batteries.

horror movie - zombie survival - 1There’s nothing more monotonous than killing thousands of zombies without anything to listen to besides moaning and thwacking noises. Plan ahead by making a good, solid mix tape of your favorite zombie killing music and invest in some noise-dampening headphones. That way, when you’re laying about a crowd of zombies with your cricket bat, you can really “get in the zone.” Studies have shown that people fighting zombies reach their target heart rate 28% faster when listening to zombie-killing music.

The choice of music for killing zombies should be left up to the individual; although many tend toward heavy metal, favoring classics like Black Sabbath’s Iron Man or Rammstein’s Du Hast, this reviewer personally leans toward Bach’s Air on a G String or Beethoven’s 9th for full-time zombie defense.

WARNING: Under no circumstances should you put Enya on your Zombie-Killing Mix Tape. This zombiephile will not be held responsible or liable for zombie-related injuries stemming from Enya-enduced narcolepsy.

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Moans.

  1. jim

    dont forget an accordian, a lampshade and a bag of doorknobs. thought i would add some more equally worthless items.

  2. JJ

    Might I suggest any music by Dragonforce, Gwar and such. Its just not possible to sleep thru that stuff and give u a rush while you are swinging for the fences.

  3. […] But now that I won’t be able to have it anymore… like zombies want brains, I suddenly MUST HAVE […]

  4. Stevo

    Any music by the Misfits definately

  5. Stevo

    also Motorhead and Reverend Horton Heat

  6. Emiat

    Oh definately go for a big ass machete thats really thick. nothin worse than a mele weapon breaking on yah…
    *crunch crunch crunch*

  7. Emiat

    i may also reccomend about 50000000 condoms…

  8. Emiat

    oh and the almighty back pack that carries all of this…

  9. Moar metallica is needed for mass zombie killing.

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

  10. MajMike

    On #4, it’s the proximity to death and the sudden understanding of our true mortality that makes folks horny, like an equal but opposite reaction.

  11. GlowingOtaku

    Id have to say id put alot of industrial music on my playlist like……most of zombie girl’s songs like creepy crawler, and my revenge on the world by aryia

  12. Honey Anne

    SO TRUE. EVERYTHING HERE.

  13. yukikaze

    I suggest the song any other way by the captains intangible. A great zombie song

  14. jaden

    you idiot porn?condoms? WHAT the heck, what about wepons,sheltar,food,water, and a set of medical equipment?!

  15. Thomas Jefferson

    @jaden – You, sir, are and idiot! ^___^

  16. @jaden
    senseofhumorfail

  17. zach

    weed and cigs is all i would need i dout ill be horny when im running for my life

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