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Zombies – Five MUST-HAVE Zombie Survival Items You’ll Probably Never Think Of

Thanks to the Internet, Zombie Survival is no longer a fringe; mainstream Zombie Survival guides and equipment are hitting the market even as we speak.

But are you sure you’re really prepared for Zombies? Our Zombiephile has analyzed survivor accounts, zombie literature and film and endless reruns of Man Vs. Wild to determine the answer, and what he’s found might surprise you. Remember, Zombiephiles, plan now so the zombies don’t get you later.

The Five MUST-HAVE Zombie Survival Items You’ll Probably Never Think Of:

5.
Cigarettes.

horror movie - zombie survival 5As we saw in Kevin Costner’s global warming documentary Water World, cigarettes will be used as currency in a post-apocalyptic economic situation. Make sure you’re in a competitive position by purchasing, crating up and burying several tons of cigarettes ahead of the zombie outbreak. That way when Dennis Hopper establishes a post-zombie world order, you’ll be able to buy your way in without sleeping with him, which I’m assuming from photographs is an absolutely terrible experience.

4.
Condoms.

horror movie - zombie survival - 4Think you’re not getting laid once the zombies attack? Think again. Statistical analysis of popular zombie movies seems to indicate that Zombies make people horny. I’m not trying to explain it, I’m just telling it like it is. Whether you believe it or not, you’ve got to agree that carrying on your person a good stack of condoms, say, several hundred, is never a bad idea. After all, who’s going to take your VD seriously when there are flesh-eating zombies on the loose?

3.
Your Stash.

horror movie - zombie survival - 3In the hurry to escape your brain-craving zombie family, friends, or coworkers, you may forget all about your stash. This is a terrible mistake, dude. Consult the original Dawn of the Dead for an example of what can go wrong when you forget about your…medicine. The last thing you need is to be fiending for a hit while you’re on the run from a zombie horde. Do the responsible thing and call your dealer the moment you hear initial reports of missing persons, media blackouts, viral outbreaks, etc.

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Moans.

  1. jim

    dont forget an accordian, a lampshade and a bag of doorknobs. thought i would add some more equally worthless items.

  2. JJ

    Might I suggest any music by Dragonforce, Gwar and such. Its just not possible to sleep thru that stuff and give u a rush while you are swinging for the fences.

  3. […] But now that I won’t be able to have it anymore… like zombies want brains, I suddenly MUST HAVE […]

  4. Stevo

    Any music by the Misfits definately

  5. Stevo

    also Motorhead and Reverend Horton Heat

  6. Emiat

    Oh definately go for a big ass machete thats really thick. nothin worse than a mele weapon breaking on yah…
    *crunch crunch crunch*

  7. Emiat

    i may also reccomend about 50000000 condoms…

  8. Emiat

    oh and the almighty back pack that carries all of this…

  9. Moar metallica is needed for mass zombie killing.

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

  10. MajMike

    On #4, it’s the proximity to death and the sudden understanding of our true mortality that makes folks horny, like an equal but opposite reaction.

  11. GlowingOtaku

    Id have to say id put alot of industrial music on my playlist like……most of zombie girl’s songs like creepy crawler, and my revenge on the world by aryia

  12. Honey Anne

    SO TRUE. EVERYTHING HERE.

  13. yukikaze

    I suggest the song any other way by the captains intangible. A great zombie song

  14. jaden

    you idiot porn?condoms? WHAT the heck, what about wepons,sheltar,food,water, and a set of medical equipment?!

  15. Thomas Jefferson

    @jaden – You, sir, are and idiot! ^___^

  16. @jaden
    senseofhumorfail

  17. zach

    weed and cigs is all i would need i dout ill be horny when im running for my life

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