Thanks to the Internet, Zombie Survival is no longer a fringe; mainstream Zombie Survival guides and equipment are hitting the market even as we speak.

But are you sure you’re really prepared for Zombies? Our Zombiephile has analyzed survivor accounts, zombie literature and film and endless reruns of Man Vs. Wild to determine the answer, and what he’s found might surprise you. Remember, Zombiephiles, plan now so the zombies don’t get you later.

The Five MUST-HAVE Zombie Survival Items You’ll Probably Never Think Of:

5) Cigarettes.

As we saw in Kevin Costner’s global warming documentary Water World, cigarettes will be used as currency in a post-apocalyptic economic situation. Make sure you’re in a competitive position by purchasing, crating up and burying several tons of cigarettes ahead of the zombie outbreak. That way when Dennis Hopper establishes a post-zombie world order, you’ll be able to buy your way in without sleeping with him, which I’m assuming from photographs is an absolutely terrible experience.

4) Condoms.

Think you’re not getting laid once the zombies attack? Think again. Statistical analysis of popular zombie movies seems to indicate that Zombies make people horny. I’m not trying to explain it, I’m just telling it like it is. Whether you believe it or not, you’ve got to agree that carrying on your person a good stack of condoms, say, several hundred, is never a bad idea. After all, who’s going to take your VD seriously when there are flesh-eating zombies on the loose?

3) Your Stash.

In the hurry to escape your brain-craving zombie family, friends, or coworkers, you may forget all about your stash. This is a terrible mistake, dude. Consult the original Dawn of the Dead for an example of what can go wrong when you forget about your drugs. The last thing you need is to be fiending for a hit while you’re on the run from a zombie horde. Do the responsible thing and call your dealer the moment you hear initial reports of missing persons, media blackouts, viral outbreaks, etc.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 7th, 2007 at 4:30 pm . Filed under The Undead Survivalist. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.