I fuckin’ hate zombies!

Well, people, it’s official: yer old pal Chester is no longer Idaho’s most eligible zombie survivalist.

That’s right, those lonely nights spent sharpening shovels are over! From now on my nights are gonna be spent sharpening shovels in the company of my luscious new girlfriend, Josella Chysalids-Harris. She’s saucy, sexy, and she loves zombies - perfect for me!

Now, you all remember how my life was ruined by zombies - well, Josella’s the first good thing that’s happened to me since that fateful zombie-filled night.

My hottie with a naughty body.

She’s randy as a minx and has a hunger…for zombies! And triffids, which I don’t really understand, but which she’s written about this week here on the Zombiephiles. So from now on you’ll be seeing Josella pretty often, when we’re not out riding our 4-wheelers and hunting coons. Raccoons, that is!

Man, things have been going so well for me lately - I even got my job at the mattress factory back! But don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten how zombies got me the last time - I’m always vigilant now. But at least now I’ve finally found a saucy little minx to share my goal of eradicating zombies from the planet! So keep your eyes peeled for more triffid-inspired posts from my sexy Josella - and try not to be too jealous, Zombiephiles - there’s enough Josella to go around.

Thanks to the Internet, Zombie Survival is no longer a fringe; mainstream Zombie Survival guides and equipment are hitting the market even as we speak.

But are you sure you’re really prepared for Zombies? Our Zombiephile has analyzed survivor accounts, zombie literature and film and endless reruns of Man Vs. Wild to determine the answer, and what he’s found might surprise you. Remember, Zombiephiles, plan now so the zombies don’t get you later.

The Five MUST-HAVE Zombie Survival Items You’ll Probably Never Think Of:

5) Cigarettes.

As we saw in Kevin Costner’s global warming documentary Water World, cigarettes will be used as currency in a post-apocalyptic economic situation. Make sure you’re in a competitive position by purchasing, crating up and burying several tons of cigarettes ahead of the zombie outbreak. That way when Dennis Hopper establishes a post-zombie world order, you’ll be able to buy your way in without sleeping with him, which I’m assuming from photographs is an absolutely terrible experience.

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Zombie Weapon Guide - Zombie Armor and Zombie Personal Defense

Now, I know lots of you read last week’s Zombie Weapon Guide - Ten Zombie Slayin’ Weapons You Already Own - I hope you’ve got your zombie weapons already selected, because the zombie outbreak is right around the corner.

This week we’re coming back to zombie defense and zombie weapons, but from a different angle - Armor against zombies. You didn’t think yer buddy Chester was gonna send you out there buck naked, didja? I scoured Grandma and Uncle Ned’s place this week and I’ve come up with a pretty good list of zombie armor for the zombie weapon guide.

Zombie Weapon Guide
Zombie Armor #10:
The Ace Bandage
Found in the homes of athletes everywhere. Ace bandages make better defense against zombies than you’d think - they can fill in the in-between spaces in your zombie armor and affords moderate protection from the bites of zombies without cramping your mobility.

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Zombie Defense - 10 Zombie Weapons You Already Own

Sure, killin’ zombies with a shotgun just seems natural. I mean, we’ve all seen zombie movies like Dawn of the Dead, read zombie comics or zombie books like The Zombie Survival Guide. We know how to kill zombies with tough-guy weapons. You’ve got to separate the head from the body of the zombie, or destroy the zombie brain.

But in a true zombie outbreak, a widespread pandemic of flesh-eating zombies, that inevitable zombie plague, chances are that you won’t be ready. When zombies arrive, you’ll probably be sitting around at home, doing whatever it is you usually do when you’re sitting around at home. Not thinking about zombies, that’s for sure. To that end I’ve done the legwork. Consult the list, grab a weapon and start killing zombies!

Zombie Weapon #10:
The Towel/Curtain Rod
Almost every home has one. Grab it, tear it off the wall and start slapping zombies.

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I’m Chester, and Zombies Ruined My Life.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: Zombies aren’t cool! They’re not!

Seriously, they’re not. Zombies are awful! The zombie is a terrifying perversion of humanity! And Zombies ruined my life.

That’s right. I used to have a good job, working at the mattress factory, a woman, a dog, a nice grill and an above-ground pool and now I got nothing! All because of zombies. The worst part is that zombies aren’t covered by insurance in the United States. That’s right. So if a zombie steps in and ruins your life like it did mine, you’ve got no recourse.

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