Wow. Just, wow.

How did the world exist, thrive even, before Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! was created? And what will the world do now that we’ve experienced it? Life will truly never be the same.

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies is that classic story of boy meets stripper, boy becomes zombie, stripper kills zombie. An excellent setup for a zombie comedy (zom-com, to use the cultural vernacular).

If you can stomach the low budget, if you can handle the ridiculous dialogue delivered with tongue practically piercing cheek, if you’re up to the outrageously bad special effects, and if you like strippers, pimps, and crackwhores (this Zombiephile certainly does), you’re ready for Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

Don’t be smackin’ the booty buggy, bitch!

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Josella Chysalids-Harris

For those unfamiliar with the visionary British ‘Logical Fantasy’ author John Wyndham, triffids are genetically-engineered mobile, carnivorous plants. Standing at least seven foot (over two metres) tall, and clumsily propelled by three leg-like roots, triffids share with more prosaic vegetables the ability to grow through exposure to sunlight and rainwater, and collecting nutrients from soil. However, triffids also have the ability to lash out at animals (including humans) with a long whorl, lacerating the victim, whilst delivering a poisonous dose strong enough to kill a grown man. These biological wonders then slowly digest parts of the rotting carcass.

In The Day of the Triffids, the Soviet created flesh-eating hybrids, are received in the West like a Trojan Horse. Despite the lethal nature of triffids, their cultivation is encouraged on an industrial scale, since triffid-oil has health-giving properties, as well as many profitable applications. When almost everybody on Earth is rendered sightless after viewing mysterious, and hypnotic green ‘comets’, blind panic ensues, and the triffids seize their day.

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That’s right, this week’s Zombie Showdown tackles the one undying question that has been burning in every Zombiephile’s heart for almost two decades: who would win in a fight, Zombies or Skynet?

Skynet, that time-bending artificial intelligence from the Terminator movies (and television show), going head to head with a full-fledged global zombie outbreak. It’s a tough call - let’s see why.

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You may be wondering, WTF happened to the Zombiephile? For months now, you might have been saying things to yourself like, “Wow, that Zombiephile used to be such a dedicated zombie blogger,” and “Boy, that Zombiephile used to write really funny zombie outbreak articles,” and “Gee whiz, that Zombiephile is really sexy and has a huge penis.”

Neither one of these people is the Zombiephile

Whichever it was, your quietly muttered prayers have been answered. The Zombiephile has completed his sentence in the Soviet Gulag (yes, they still have those, but just for Zombiephiles) and, in a frustratingly exciting escape sequence, has managed to make off with the Soviets’ secret of fire.
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Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Written and directed by Jonathon King, New Zealand’s Black Sheep is probably the world’s first zombie-sheep movie, and most than likely, the last. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hold a special place in this Zombiephile’s heart. A cautionary tale about the dangers of mixing genetic engineering and zombies, Black Sheep bites you by the shin and doesn’t stop shaking until the movie’s outrageously climactic ending.

There’s really not much that we can say about Black Sheep. It’s about sheep. They bite people. Those people turn into zombies that are also kind of…shall we say, Sheepish? And yes, there’s even some sheep-shagging, if you know what I mean.

If you’re looking for a serious zombie movie, look elsewhere. If you’re looking for a ridiculous, hilarious story about zombie sheep eating people, you’ve come to the right place.