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Zombie Preparation for the UK

Show me a zombie fan, and I’ll show you someone who has read The Zombie Survival Guide
by Max Brooks. Anyone who has read the ZSG can tell you how detailed and thorough it is – Max obviously did some serious research before he wrote it. Or did he?

Sure, the book has a zombie timeline in the back, which includes infamous moments in history most likely caused by a zombie outbreak (ex: Roanoke Island), but for the most part it’s written for survival in North America. Have you ever wondered what you would do in an outbreak if you didn’t have access to the supplies and weapons recommended by Brooks?

Someone has, and his name is Sean Page. Sean lives in the UK, and he realized one day that most people in the UK would be totally screwed in the event of a major zombie outbreak – less than 5% would survive. Being as dedicated to his country as he is, he decided to write a zombie survival guide for the UK. After all, “what do you do when the dead rise and the only weapons available are pub darts and cricket bats?” We are talking about an island after all (and I know you’re thinking of 28 Days Later right now, but that was living infected).

If you live in the UK, keep your eyes open for the release of the Official Zombie Handbook, which includes:

  • Full analysis of the information currently available on the zombie virus, the undead creatures it creates, and most importantly, how to take them down.
  • How to implement a comprehensive “90 Day Survival Plan” for you & your family including home fortification, securing supplies and even surviving a ghoul siege.
  • Full and detailed guidelines on how to battle the undead, which weapons to use, where to hide out & how to survive in a country dominated by millions of bloodthirsty ghouls.

Contrary to what you may have heard, getting pissed at the Winchester is not an effective zombie defense strategy.

Everything you could possibly need to know in order to survive a zombie outbreak in British society, in every terrain, from the south up to the highlands.

In Sean’s words:

Our country is sleep walking towards a catastrophe – that is the day when an outbreak of zombies will reach critical mass and turn our green and pleasant land into a grey and shambling wasteland.

I can’t begin to tell you what a relief this handbook is; up until now, I have been worried about my friends and family in the UK surviving the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Even if you don’t have a use for this book, it’s still a great addition for any zombie media collection. (kind of like owning a copy of Ryan Mecum’s Zombie Haiku
) You’re not really a zombiephile if you have an incomplete zombie library. I’ll keep you updated on the release, but keep it in mind, just in case I get busy with a local outbreak…

Moans.

  1. Firstly thank you to AstraDaemon for those kind words.

    It’s true, we are poorly prepared for the zombies over here in the UK – no guns, few police, more people per square foot than you can shake a stick at – things are going to get ugly here.

    From emails, I know many of you out there have poor access to guns as well so I hope my guide will help….

    Got to go now, I am trying to create a tea bag mountain in my frontroom, enough to see me through the whole show…

    Ladies & gents, keep your eyes peeled…

  2. Josella

    I think Britons should also be aware of the usefulness of cricket as a defence against zombies (Americans be aware that zombie-slayering is not the only sport in which a cricket bat is used). Firstly the protective clothing is pefçrfect for zombie-destroying: a helmet protects the head; a ´cricket-box´the ´meat and two veg´; gloves protect hands and allow one to punch wihtout fear of infection, and the spiked shoes give good purchase on fallen bodies. The armour´ is also ´light, so that one can run if needs be. Also cricket balls (which are a lot harder to catch than nancy-boy baseballs, and of course caught bare-handed not with bender-boy gloves the size of dustbin lids) can do much damage and when spin-bowled can entirely fool even the most nimble undead opponent. Plus of course we all know how effective a cricket bat is against a zombie skull.

    One final word of advice. Learn from the duration of cricket. A single test match can last five days! Sometimes it´s worth stopping for a tea-break!

  3. Josella

    I also feel that cricket can teach us some more lateral lessons. The fact that a seemingly daft and futile sporting contest can last for four or five days and stil end in a draw, should teach us that there are no quick fixes in life, and least of all in the realm of zombie-survival. Secondly, a billion Indians can´t be wrong. Thirdly, it teaches one the importance of never trusting an Australian (see Zombiephiles link to Í love Sarah Jane´). In addition, wickets (the upright bits of wood that the bowler – ball thrower- aims for) can be used to pierce zombie brains.

    Unfortunately cricket equipment is f*** all use against triffids, but who cares The Zombiephiles.com is so comprehensive a survivalist website that you can even be instructed in that fine art.

  4. zach

    can people in the uk not own guns?

  5. Well, in terms of the stats, the UK has far fewer guns per head than say the US. You can own a gun but the licensing laws are very strict so it is mostly shotguns people use for clay pigeon shooting.

    You can get a “certificate” to get a licence but this involves the police & in some areas of the country is really hard work.The result is that for most of the population it is virtually impossible to get fire arms, particularly for any more advanced weapons.

    Add into that they most people are so poorly trainined with firearms then they would be more of a liability.

    One exception to this, as ever, is criminal gangs in our cities centres who seem to get their hands on firearms…even then it is nothing like the numbers you see elsewhere.

    So, guns are rare here in the UK – to survive the zombies, we are going to have rely on guile, our sense of humour, poor food & sharpened sticks….

  6. Tom of the Dead

    I’m so happy that someone has decided to bring up the Sean of the Dead bad ideas. That should make a big difference when preparations are needed.

  7. Hopefully, it will here in the UK – when you look at it, we’re in a terrible situation – crowded islands, no guns, most of our army abroad -basically, we’re screwed if the zeds arrive….

    Saying that cricket bats are still brilliant weapons – perfect for bashing ghouls aside as you tear through zombietown on your BMX.

  8. cadkls

    Hi,im 12 years old and im also making a zombie survival guide based on british landscape and laws etc. it is very very detailed with probabilities of finding suitable weapons,availability of supplies,and all about zombies and the virus.I am currently writing a version then copying it onto the computer to look neater, but if the book flies of the shelves, I will put the original handwritten copy up for sale for a bit more money though.

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