Zombies - Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak
5) Don’t go down. Zombies can go down too.
Zombies can’t climb. You can. In light of this, why would you ever choose to go down, rather than up? Stay out of basements, gullies, sewers, and anyplace else that zombies might unwittingly wander / fall into and be unable to get out of. Remember, it’s unlikely that a human would be in a sewer, but zombies don’t care a whit about the smell.
4) Don’t broadcast your presence. Zombies may be listening.
Zombies that still retain their ears have been statistically shown to have above-average recognition of bassline frequencies. If you absolutely must blast music while killing zombies, do it on your Ipod, and you might want to consider delaying that block party until after the zombie outbreak blows over. During a zombie outbreak, remember to turn your cell phone to vibrate - it’s only polite.
3) Don’t stand in front of the window. That’s just foolish.
You’d think this one didn’t require stating, but apparently it does. Windows are an aesthetic defense against the environment, not protection against zombies and the living dead. Once you find your fortress, barricade the windows as quickly as possible and stay the hell away from them. Whatever you do, don’t deliver speeches with your back to them.
2) Don’t get too creative with zombie defense.
Sure, chainsaw slits in your van seemed like a good idea at the time, before you filled your car with fumes and exhaust, passed out at the wheel and got yourself sawed in half. The temptation to get very creative with zombie dispatching can seem almost unbearable at times, but when it comes to killing zombies, that old adage applies: Keep it simple, stupid!
1) Don’t be “that one asshole,” in your group.
Textual analysis of zombie movies has proven that “that one asshole,” a character ubiquitous in zombie and survival horror movies, only stands a 4.32% chance of surviving until the end of the movie.
Later studies have challenged that figure, citing several movies in which “that one asshole” was one-upped by “the other, bigger asshole,” who then assumed “that one asshole” status.
What do these figures mean? Being nice matters. To dramatically increase your chances of survival, make sure you always have “that one asshole” traveling in your party with you, otherwise you might end up playing the role of “that weak douchebag,” a similarly ill-fated character.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you believe you are already “that one asshole,” you should immediately leave your group. You might be able to pass as “that Kevin Costner anti-hero” if you’re traveling solo.
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July 5th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
[…] ZombiePhiles.com had a great article on what you SHOULDNT do during the Zombie outbreak. A wave of Zombie survival manuals have popped up recently, this blog included, telling people what they should do during an outbreak of zombies. Thing is, nobody’s talking about what people shouldn’t do during a zombie outbreak. […]
July 5th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
[…] Durant une invasion de zombies. […]
July 6th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Really, I think that these are worth mentioning.
-Turning back to save the dumbass who wouldn’t listen to your zombie advice the first time. You both get chomped on.
-Undead is never dead. Forgetting that zombie extremeties may still be “alive” enought to bite, claw, or otherwise infect–See Evil Dead and Dead Next Door.
-Pet zombies don’t know that they are pets, and therefore, do not behave as such. See Stink of Flesh, 28 Days later, Dead Next Door… can’t wait to see Fido.
-Your friends, when zombified, are no longer friendly. Shoot them. See My Dead Girlfriend.
July 6th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
I shall remember that!
July 6th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Funny stuff. Great post!
July 6th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
It’s not funny. It’s real. You’ll see.
July 6th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
Haha, Zombie Lyrics:
http://zonow.com/4
July 7th, 2007 at 12:23 am
[…] Zombie Defense - Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak | The Zombie-Philes (tags: funny humor movies horror fun list) […]
July 7th, 2007 at 3:50 am
ROFL! Awesome article. Very, very amusing. And true, too.
July 7th, 2007 at 6:40 am
[…] Story […]
July 8th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
[…] Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak - The Zombie-Philes A wave of Zombie survival manuals have popped up recently, this blog included, telling people what they should do during an outbreak of zombies. Thing is, nobody’s talking about what people shouldn’t do during a zombie outbreak. […]
July 9th, 2007 at 5:11 am
hahahah… is there such a thing like zombies? great!! heheh giverish focking things to think that there will be a zombie knockin at mah door
July 9th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
[…] 10 things you shouldn’t do in a zombie attack. […]
July 10th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
[…] Top 10 […]
July 10th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
[…] Zombie Defense - Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak | The Zombie-Philes (tags: ZombieAttack) […]
July 10th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
[…] Link - Thanks Dumidu! […]
July 10th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
[…] The Zombie-Philes » Blog Archive » Zombies - Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak 10) Don’t set zombies on fire. Burning zombies smell terrible. Hihihi… (tags: horror fun Zombie horrorfilm film) […]
July 10th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
11. Don’t go to the Winchester (or similar beer garden, pub, bar, etc.)
July 11th, 2007 at 2:52 am
Number One works with not just zombies but with every sort of situation. Dont be that arsehole !!!
July 11th, 2007 at 5:28 am
[…] Ten WORST Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak (tags: zombies humor funny list) […]
July 11th, 2007 at 9:46 am
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July 13th, 2007 at 4:50 am
[…] The 10 worst things to do during a zombie outbreak […]
July 13th, 2007 at 7:47 am
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July 13th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
[…] Ten Worst Things to do During a Zombie Outbreak - Don?t get sentimental. Zombies won?t. […]
July 30th, 2007 at 5:21 am
Hello! Good Site! Thanks you! xzulvaybdgwlmv
August 3rd, 2007 at 2:44 am
[…] Zombiephile dopo un’attenta visione di tutti i film horror-zombie ha trovato le le 10 cose da non fare […]
August 9th, 2007 at 5:42 am
Why not go see a show during the attack. Zombie Joes Underground Theatre is at ZombieJoes.com
Also, #10 Do not set zombies on fire - This is not only a good idea because they reek but also because they tend to wobble a little more than usual and bump into things. Well anything they bump into will then catch fire too. So now you not only need to worry about the structure you are encapsulated in, you also need to avoid a moving burning object coming at you who could care less that the whole shit house is about to come down on both of you… and whomever else is trapped.
August 9th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
[…] Oh and if we ever have a Zombie outbreak I highly encourage you to read this list of 10 things NOT to do in a Zombie attack. […]
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:50 am
wow thanks for the tip, its really funny to read during office hours, and I’m thinking of what to do when a zombie outbreak happens here in the office im working at.
September 20th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
I´ve translated your wonderful text to portuguese(now your famous here too, lol) (…)Texto adaptado do site Zombiephiles, leia o original aqui(apesar do meu ser melhor e em português).
10 – JAMAIS toque fogo em um zumbi. Zumbis Flambados fedem, e muito.
A Gente sempre vê os idiotas fazerem isso em filmes e se darem muito mal, primeiro porque os zumbis flamejantes podem tocar fogo em outros zumbis, e segundo porque eles podem tocar fogo(…)
September 20th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
Marcelo, you are a true Zombiephile! Now the great nation of Portugal is one step closer to zombie-readiness!
October 8th, 2007 at 11:09 am
its going to happen soon lock and barracade your self in the bathroom with food water and guns!!!!!!!!!!!
October 16th, 2007 at 5:34 am
[…] read more | digg story […]
January 28th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
[…] is important that you understand what to do and what Not to do during a Zombie outbreak. Here is what NOT to do… I guess you could tie them up with the ultimate knot. Here is the video on how to do […]
March 3rd, 2008 at 11:46 am
hey hey guys here are my responses……
1. why the fuck would you not set zombies on fire?!?!?!?!that is dumb who cares if they smell bad at least you are saving your ass right?????
2. i agree dont get sentimental at least not to the point where you are fucking crying your eyes out you need to go and kick some zombie ass!!!!!!
3. most defintely close the door behind you that is like fucking common sense there.
4. defintely do not keep zombies in your basement guys thats just plan dumb…”no i cant kill my brother hes only been bitten” WHAT THE FUCK!!!! put a god damn bullet in the things head its no longer your brother ok!
5. what kind of shit is that you need as many members as possible if you want to live!!!!!! i mean i have this amamzing girlfriend and i said if zombies attack you are the first person im coming for not FUCK YOU!!! you save yourself this girl means more than the world to me so do not listen to that one.
6. dont listen to this one either broadcast….. like i said you want as many members as possible so broadcast and you get some help..
7. i agree with this dont stand in front of the window if you do what the fuck is wrong with you??????? thats practically wearing a sign that says come and eat me!!!!
8. dont listen to this one either get as fuckiong creative as you want if you plan on staying some where for a bit get as fucking creative as you possibly can because you shouldnt be wasting your ammo all the fucking time so get creative guys.
9.i agree dont be the ass whole in the group thats just plan dumb because if i had an ass in my group i would either shoot them or feed them to zombies and then shoot him.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
#1) stop getting so worked up Zombie Slayer, and using that many f-bombs just proves what a small vocabulary you’ve got.
#2)Want zombie survival tips? read the Zombie Survival Guide (by Max Brooks)
March 15th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
[…] There have been many articles, videos, and postings on how to survive a zombie outbreak, the best of course being Max Brooks book. However I haven’t seen any what not to do, until now. I’m reposting the funny, informative, and helpful article from the zombiephiles. […]
April 13th, 2008 at 8:08 am
At least I can go to the burger place and get me a Quarter Pounder it’s not on the list. Ha Ha ! No bad zombie you have to wait until I finish my fries..!!